


to be rare and inevitable

by rowanshand



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Magnus/Camille, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 05:10:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14277603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowanshand/pseuds/rowanshand
Summary: With anything, there is a before and there is an after.Even before Magnus loved Alec, he wondered if he deserved to.Even before Alec knew he loved Magnus, he foolishly believed he actually had a choice in the matter.





	to be rare and inevitable

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I have no idea where this came from. The idea of it came to and I couldn't stop writing. My obsession with these two is becoming unhealthy. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me. All of the mistakes are my own.

With anything, there is a before and there is an after.

Even before Magnus loved Alec, he knew he couldn’t watch him live a lie. No one deserves a fate that cruel, especially not a man as remarkable and worthy of happiness as Alexander.

Though Magnus fought against Alec’s choice to propose to Lydia, a part of him could almost understand why he’d done it. To right his parent’s wrong, Alec thought it was his only choice. In his mind, going through with the wedding was his answer to everything and Magnus doesn’t blame him for thinking as much. Sometimes, wishful thinking can offer an individual more comfort than words. Still, Magnus wishes he could help Alec see that marrying her won’t solve any of their problems, that it will only bring them both a mess they are unprepared for. Except for maybe Robert and Maryse Lightwood, everyone realizes the mistake they will be making by committing their lives to each other like this. It will be a lie, a farce designed to secure anything but love. A new rune on Alec’s body and a pronouncement of marriage won’t change who he is. Though Magnus isn’t without bias here, he knows Alec and Lydia will never love each other, by no fault of their own. Hard as they may try, they won’t make each other happy.

 

_You’ll be lonely all your life. And so will she._

_Neither of you deserve it._ _And I don’t either._

Living in the shadows, longing for a man that didn’t belong to him, a man that belonged to another, is not an idea that interests Magnus. He has too much self-respect for such a thing. A glutton for punishment he is not, but Magnus won’t lie, he has feelings for Alec and he hasn’t exactly been shy about them. Anyone who hasn't noticed his feelings just wasn’t paying attention. From the moment they met, Magnus has hardly been able to stop thinking about the young Shadowhunter. He wants Alec more than he’s wanted anyone in too long. Decades ago, Camille walked away, destroying his faith in love and bonds that last, making Magnus wonder what the point of it all was. Even the thought of putting his heart on the line makes him feel vulnerable and scared. So…he doesn’t anymore. Magnus refuses to offer himself up to someone that doesn’t want him back.

Despite his feelings, Magnus’ concern for Alec extends beyond his desire for the man. It about so much much than that. It is about more than what Magnus believes they could share if they took the time to explore it. Even if Magnus can’t have Alec for himself, that would be fine. He could live with that outcome. It wouldn’t be the first Magnus was alone, without the one he wants. Even more than he wants Alec, Magnus wants him to be happy, for Alec to be honest with himself. He wants him to have everything he deserves…even if he doesn’t think he does, even if Alec has been programmed to believe he’s wrong for wanting it. Alec should be allowed to live the life he wants and he especially deserved to love without fear. 

These days, Magnus knows his sexuality does not define him, but he’s lived for over 300 years and it wasn’t always that way. There was a time where he stood where Alec does now, scared of facing the truth because acceptance is a tricky thing. It doesn’t come overnight. Though for Alec, Magnus presumes, it’s never been a choice. From the day he was born, Alec was shaped and trained to fit a mold, to become the perfect soldier. He's followed every rule passed down to him by the Clave and has gotten nothing in return. Still, Alec remains unselfish, jumping through hoops, living in the shadow of others. Jace is quicker and angrier than Alec, harnessing his pain and unleashing when it suits him. Typically, it works to his benefit in battle, when he faces a demon, both well aware only one will survive the fight. And Izzy, she is witty and charming, making everything she does look effortless. Hell, even Clary has managed to outshine Alec somehow. In the short time since she’s known about her true destiny, Clary is all the Shadow World cares to talk about. Once all things are considered, Alec's choices seem understandable. Still, ignorance is often not the bliss it is advertised to be.

 

_Someday, someone will come along who will tear down those walls you’ve built around your heart._

_And when that love comes back to you, you must do everything in your power to fight for it._

Ragnor’s words ring in his head like a bell as he opens a portal to the Institute. Magnus knows exactly when the wedding is scheduled to start, but what if he is making a mistake? What is Alec doesn’t feel what Magnus thinks he might? Magnus knows he has to be prepared for what he is walking into. After all, this is a Shadowhunter wedding and his presence likely won’t be met with open arms. Even if they all think he should leave, that he is out of line, that Alec would never possibly return his feelings, Magnus has to try. He would never forgive himself if he didn’t at least try. 

 

*

 

Even before Alec loved Magnus, he knew he would never love Lydia. Not like she deserved. Alec could never give her a real marriage, even if he wanted to. 

The day they met, Lydia told him about John, the man she loved before, the man she was supposed to marry before life got messy and demons stole him from her. She told Alec about the dreams they shared long ago, about the plans they had, before it all evaporated when he died like they never existed at all. Though Alec knows Lydia doesn’t expect him to, those dreams are no ones he can provide her. He can’t. He wouldn’t know how. 

Only hours removed from learning his parents were former members of the Circle, Alec asked Lydia to marry him because it was the right thing to do, a means for political advancement and nothing more. Lydia’s interests lie in moving through the ranks of the Clave, just as Alec hopes to restore the Lightwood name. _Remember, the honor isn’t in the name. It’s in the deed._ His father’s reminder, _his warning_ , haunts Alec at night, when sleep feels so far away, so out of reach. Alec asked Lydia to marry him because he’s never done well with letting people down.

As the oldest child of Maryse and Robert Lightwood, he is to be honorable and loyal, a dutiful soldier. Act first, ask later. It’s the first rule of his job, the very first rule. As a means of protecting himself and his family, Alec became what he was told to be and stopped wanting what he could never have. Holding on to unfulfilled dreams would be torture, like fighting an enemy who always had the upper hand, a fight Alec wasn't willing to lose.

 

_We rule with our heads, not with our hearts._

 

_Agreed._

 

Lydia is smart and beautiful and skilled and Alec respects her, he understands her even In a lot of ways, they are similar, cut from the same cloth. Like him, Lydia realizes there are more important matter to worry about than their own personal, selfish desires. Wars are waged on a daily basis and personal affairs complicate things. If they’re interested in staying alive, they won't stray from that belief. By agreeing to marry him, Lydia knew what she was signing up for. If marrying her ensured his family's safety, Alec would do it. Hell, he’s lied about who he is for most of his life already, how hard could sticking to old habits be? Their impending marriage isn’t about love or a real future for them to share and they both know as much. Alec is marrying Lydia because he has responsibilities and they came to an agreement, one he intends to see through. Besides, having suppressed his feelings for most of his life, Alec thinks he may have forgotten what wanting something for himself felt like.

 

 _Even Shadowhunters fall in love, Alec._ _Just tell me you’re in love with Lydia and I’ll stop._

_I don’t know._

 

Standing in Magnus’ loft, Alec lies. Because he has to, because he didn’t see any point in admitting what they both already know. Playing these games, like they’ve been doing for weeks, is exhausting. _Just tell me you’re in love with Lydia and I’ll stop._ The statement felt a lot like an ultimatum, one Alec resents. He shouldn’t want Magnus. He can’t, the Clave has told him so, and wanting Magnus was never part of the plan. After a person has been told something for nearly as long as they have been alive, it almost doesn't make sense for them to believe anything else. Alec has always known that having what he wants just wouldn’t be in the cards for him. 

But then Magnus storms into his wedding without an invitation or a word and from the second their eyes meet, Alec knows there is no decision to be made.

There never was.

His heart has known a truth his brain was too stubborn to accept. Lydia is smart and she is beautiful and someday...someone, some other man will be lucky to have her. It just won’t be Alec. As he marches down the aisle, towards Magnus, towards a destination he never thought he’d reach, Alec decides to be selfish.

* 

 

Even before Magnus loved Alec, he wondered if he deserved to.

Centuries last a long time and considering he's lived through his fair share, Magnus is not immune to making mistakes. He’s made promises he could never possibly keep. He’s used his magic for selfish reasons without any regard for the consequences. Without looking back, Magnus has broken hearts because it was easier than sticking around. Centuries last a long time and Magnus is hardly a perfect person. When he is lonely and full of doubt, his baggage haunts him. Though it's not always there, at the forefront of his mind, bubbling beneath the present, when the pain is present, it feels crippling. For most of his extended life, there’s been a war for him to fight and someone to miss and Magnus can't help but think that maybe he doesn’t deserve Alec. He could want Magnus. He's so young, just starting out in life. Maybe they would both be better off if they forgot about each other entirely. With all of his bluster and sarcasm, Magnus can be a lot to handle. Maybe he is meant to be nothing more than a stepping stone for the person Alec is _supposed_ to end up with. So that he knows not to make the same mistakes in the future, Magnus is a lesson Alec has to learn. Add in the fact that Alec’s parents don’t exactly approve of their son’s new romantic interest and Magnus almost wouldn’t blame Alec if he ran for the hills.

 

_I don’t even recognize you anymore._

_I’m the same person that I’ve always been. Now everything’s just out in the open._

_And all for a Downworlder._

Maryse words were meant to sting. Sparing Magnus’ feelings was something that interested her, not when she believed that Magnus had corrupted her eldest child. As a warlock, he’s never been a stranger to discrimination and he didn’t see that changing anytime soon. No matter, Magnus still selflessly wants to prove her wrong. If he has his way, he intends to make this work, whatever it is that the two of them are embarking on. It’s only been a few weeks since they met though, much too soon for any declarations or promises of something more and because the world is rarely ever fair, before they have the chance to talk about what happens next, to come down from the high of that magical kiss, Alec and Izzy wander into Magnus’ loft just as Camille pulls makes her move and kisses him.

And Magnus feels nothing.

Except Alec doesn’t know that if and Magnus had to guess, he thinks they are over before they ever had a chance.

 

*

 

Even before Alec loved Magnus, he knew he didn’t want anyone else to have him. Least of all Camille Belcourt. 

The woman is problematic, known for her manipulative tendencies. Alec's life is already messy enough as it is and at the moment, he doesn’t have much patience for her. Alec is aware Camille helped orchestrate Simon’s capture by the Vampires and was, in what could probably be considered another life, involved with Magnus. Alec doesn’t know the exact the details of his relationship and frankly, he doesn’t care to know. Magnus has lived for centuries and Alec isn’t stupid, there was bound to be remnants of Magnus’ past that reared their ugly head from time to time. Despite of knowing that, he never imagined the past would show up so soon. At the rate everything has been happening, Alec seriously thinks he might have whiplash.

He’s never done any of this before. To him, relationships are foreign territory and if they are interested in making their relationship work, it won't be simple.   

Alec can tell the kiss was unreciprocated by Magnus. He pulls away from Camille as though his skin was set on fire and his only chance at survival was to get as far away from her as possible. All at once, Magnus looks shocked by the kiss and surprised to see Alec and Izzy. He also looks guilty and Alec wonders why that this. Clearly, none of this is his fault. No matter, Alec could practically hear the gears in Magnus’ brain turning. There was so much Alec wanted to say in that moment. For starters, he wanted Camille to know that her act was getting old, that she wasn’t half as entertaining as she seems to think. It was about time she learned to play fair, rather than take what she hasn’t earned. Showing some self-control, Alec refrains from saying anything. 

Magnus can handle himself.

 

*

 

After Jace disappears, having followed Valentine into a portal at Camille’s, Magnus wants nothing more than to take Alec’s pain away. Because Magnus knows what it feels like to miss someone, familiar with the guilt that comes with not being able to save them and Magnus would do anything to bring an end to Alec’s suffering.

 

 _You know damn well I want to find Jace just as much as you do, but that’s no excuse to treat me like…_

 

_Well, then, what do you want from me?!_

 

_At the moment…nothing._

 

Deep down, Alec knows Magnus isn’t the enemy, it’s just hard for him to see at the moment. Since the moment Jace left with Valentine, Magnus has offered all of the help he knows how to give. He’s tried tracking Jace and consulting Alec about what he thinks their next best option is, but none of it has mattered, none of it has been enough. Alec is pulling away from everyone. He is pushing them all away, even though they all have his best interest at heart, even though they are on the same side. Right now, all Alec can see is Jace and making sure he comes home. Their bond is unlike anything Magnus has ever known. They are brothers, family. Jace is Alec’s parabatai and that connection ties the two of them together in ways the rest of them can never understand.  

_It’s just like the ground has shifted, and I can’t keep my balance._

 

If they aren’t successful, if they don’t find Jace, Alec will never be the same. If Jace doesn’t come home, Alec will never forgive himself. If Jace is lost to them forever, Magnus and Alec are doomed. There won’t stand a chance. There will be no chance for them to be happy, to be together. Magnus knows it sounds selfish, he does, and he’s sorry.

Even before Magnus loved Alec, he could sense the inevitability of it.

 

*

 

The pain is unbearable, unlike anything Alec has ever experienced.

He can’t breathe or think straight. Alec feels like a stranger in his own body, trapped between two sides with no light to guide him out of it. Sounding like she is a million miles away, Alec can hear Izzy. She is calling out to him and she sounds scared, the fear in her voice unmistakable. Alec doesn’t want her to be scared. Using his parabatai rune to track Jace, paired with the stone Jocelyn and Luke found, was supposed to be their best chance at finding Jace. Alec was convinced this would work, that this would bring his brother home.

_You said it yourself. We have no choice._

_That was before I knew you can die._

Alec should have listened to Izzy. Why hadn't he listened to her? If he could, Alec would go back and heed her warning.

But he can’t go back.

Already, he’s in too deep, Alec can feel it and he’s scared. The plan was to find Jace, not to get himself killed in the process. Though Alec can feel Jace, he can’t reach him. Each time Alec tries, his efforts are met with failure. With each second that passes, Alec can feel himself slipping. He can’t hear Izzy anymore, as he is in too deep now. He's on his own. Eventually, desperation kicks in and Alec wishes he knew what he is supposed to do next. In the end, it won't matter how much he wants to save Jace if he is unable to save himself. 

Even before Alec loved Magnus, he knew he didn’t want him to worry.

_Magnus._

Someone has to tell Magnus that Alec is sorry. He needs to know. Someone _has_ to tell him. This was never part of the plan. None of this was supposed to happen. Alec wants to go back, to take it back. He needs Magnus to understand. _I’m sorry, Magnus. Tell Izzy she was right._ Alec has so much he would say if the universe just gave him the chance to. His life has barely gotten started, this can’t be it. It can’t be over. He’s wasted so much time. Why did he waste so much time? 

He wants more. Alec _needs_ more time, needs it like someone drowning in the sea aches for air.

 

*

 

Even before Magnus loved Alec, he couldn’t imagine a life without him. Alec almost dies trying to track Jace and Magnus is forced to.

Magnus has tried to save him, tried to bring Alec back from wherever it is he’s trapped, but he can’t rescue him. Magnus can’t reach him. Anything that has worked in the past doesn’t now. It’s been days and Magnus is exhausted, almost entirely drained of his magic as a result of his efforts. Feeling this kind of helplessness, this type of fear is not new to Magnus, it’s just been a while since he had someone he was so terrified of losing. For days, Magnus has been reaching and grasping at straws, desperate for anything that resembled a chance at saving Alec. But nothing has worked, and he's running out of answers. Now, all Magnus can think to do is hope and pray and wish that part of Alec, any part, no matter how small, is trying to reach back. They’re supposed to have more time, to make each other happy, to be together. Alec has a family he needs to come back to, he doesn’t get to go out like this, not when he’s fought so bravely in battle before and come home every time. Magnus won’t let Alec quit. He knows Alec is tired, but he doesn’t get to die. Magnus won’t allow it.

 

 _My magic is the only thing keeping Alec from completely slipping away._   _I won’t leave._

 

In this world, some promises are made to be broken. Not this one. Not this time. If necessary, Magnus will use every bit of magic he has to guarantee Alec hasn’t already lived his last day.

 

*

 

For nearly a hundred years, Magnus has alloyed Camille’s betrayal to dictate his life. He has allowed the memory of her, of what they once shared, to control him, for nearly a hundred years too long.

Because of Camille, Magnus has kept his heart locked away as a means of protection. Decades have passed since they were last together and, for most of them, Magnus has been ready to let her go, just never sure of how to go about it. Maybe he never had a good enough reason to. Before Alec, Magnus believed he was destined to be alone, that his chance at happiness had already come and gone, buried in a grave beside anything else he’s ever cared for. Somehow, without much effort, Camille managed to convince Magnus that she was justified in leaving him behind.

_Lonely has always been your Achilles heel. You don’t do well losing those you love, do you?_

_I'm the only one you can count on being here forever._

_You know that._ _That’s why you love me. And you always will._

Just a few months ago, there might have been some truth to Camille’s statement. Being alone is something Magnus fears, probably more than anything else, a fear that he has allowed to cripple him. There are times where Magnus can’t believe he actually loved Camille once upon a time. Though it took longer than it should have to get over her, Magnus doesn’t feel that way for her anymore. He’s not the man she knew before, the man she so easily used and manipulated. Gone are the days where Magnus thought he needed her to be whole. Living in the past has only gotten Magnus but loneliness and pain. He refuses to do it for a second longer.  

Nothing about banishing her to the Clave would be easy, but it has to be done, a necessary consequence of her actions. She has committed unspeakable crimes and has to pay the price. Locked in a cage of his design, Camille vanishes through the portal Magnus opens, her longstanding hold on him disappearing with her.

Even before he knew he loved Alec, Magnus knew he no longer wanted his past. 

 

*

 

After Jocelyn dies, Alec can’t bear to look himself in the mirror. 

The Institute, though it may be the only home Alec has ever known, serves as a reminder of what happened. For as long as he lives, Alec won't forget the feeling that consumed him as he sat in the hallway outside of Clary’s room, his hands covered in blood and no recollection of how it got there. Logically, Alec knows he likely could not have stopped the demon from possessing him, not that such an understanding does anything to make him feel better. His hands had been the ones to kill Jocelyn. Alec, though largely unaware, was the one to rip the life out of Clary’s mother. He killed Jace’s mother before he ever got to know the woman. Right now, he can’t be in the Institute. Being haunted by the memory of what happened might be enough to drive Alec crazy. The last thing he wants to do is be here or talk about what happened. Without thinking much about it, Alec ends up at Magnus’s home and he doesn’t have to explain himself. Somehow, Magnus just knows.

 

_I’m fine._

_No, you’re not._

 

Of course Alec would be attracted by a man who appears to be about as stubborn as he is. Together, they make quite the pair. 

But letting Magnus in won't happen overnight. Old habits, they die hard. Being vulnerable or letting others see his pain has never been something Alec is comfortable with. Though he's not particularly proud of the thought, there used to be a time Alec wondered if they were wasting their time, the two of them. Perhaps cutting their losses and walking away from each other would be for the best. Maybe they would be better off, putting an end to things before they got started. Perhaps they were in too deep, too blinded by emotion and intention to recognize what is really going on, to realize the true gravity of their situation. Shadowhunters and Downworlders don’t end up together, not in this century or the last. It just doesn’t happen. The world has been ending for a thousand years and the people they align themselves with have always been on opposite sides.  

Magnus and Alec aren’t supposed to work.

They aren’t supposed to last.

Even before Alec knew he loved Magnus, he foolishly believed he actually had a choice in the matter.

 

* 

 

Before Magnus knew he loved Alec, he tried not to get his hopes up.

Relationships hardly ever work out the way people imagine they will. Sometimes, two people don’t get to be together simply because it’s what they want. Getting his hopes up for something that may not work will only disappoint Magnus and he's not sure he would survive more disappointment. 

After countless failed attempts, they finally get to go on that first date they’ve been planning since Alec shocked everyone, Magnus included, when he left the alter to kiss Magnus. Though some things do change, others stay the same. Alec seems to have developed a knack for surprising Magnus, a trend that is continued upon their arrival back to Magnus’ loft after leaving the Hunter’s Moon, both buzzed from the drinks they shared.

_I hear that relationships, they, um…take effort._

_I’m all for effort._

Magnus sighs in relief. Alec’s words mean the world to him. Though he doesn’t say it in so many words, Alec is making a commitment to try, to let Magnus in, to meet him in the middle. No matter how small, progress is progress. Magnus knows Alec is scared, but fear is what keeps them alive, it’s what makes them fight for what is important.

Similarly, Pain is certain, always lurking around the corner, ready to arrive at a moment’s notice, disrupting any joy that an individual has managed to harness.

For Magnus and Alec, there is no guarantee that any of this works. Still, they can't give up now. Because, in this life, happiness is not certain and Magnus plans to soak up every ounce of his.

* 

 

They have sex for the first time and Alec forgets what fear feels like, if only for a night. 

Granted, Alec doesn’t have much experience with this sort of thing. Sex, that is. No matter, he knows enough to know that what they did felt damn good, far exceeding what he expected. Honestly, Alec felt silly for being surprised by just how much he thoroughly enjoyed himself considering he’d lost his virginity to a centuries old Warlock, a man with hundreds of years to master his craft. Making sure Alec knew they would never do anything he didn’t want to, Magnus had been incredible, a consideration Alec appreciated more than he properly expressed. 

Alec wanted to do what they did. He wanted to share what they had. He would never regret their first night together.

 

_You’re not the only one that feels vulnerable._

_You have nothing to worry about. I want this._

 

As they laid together, in Magnus’ bed, tangled in the sheets, tangled in each other, they were oblivious to the rest of the world. For a few hours, there were no enemies demanding their attention or demons to fight and it was just the two of them. Magnus and Alec. Alec and Magnus, just like it was supposed to be. For just a few hours, everything in the world felt right and certain and within reach. With Magnus, Alec feels like the man he was always meant to be. He doesn’t have to hide or lie about who he is anymore. Even the worst parts of himself, the ugly, shameful parts that should stay hidden, don’t scare Alec when Magnus is touching him. Entering Alec’s universe like a lightning strike, equal parts shocking and illuminating, Magnus changed everything.

From the very beginning, from the first night they met, Alec knew he was screwed. Just before they, along with Izzy and Jace and Clary, summoned Valak to retrieve Clary’s memories, Alec felt a pit form in his stomach as he took Magnus’ hand, his desire for the man a dull and constant ache from then on. It felt a lot like a craving, a desire, a wildfire that could never quite be extinguished. It wasn't long before Alec chose to let the flames grow, figuring any attempt to fight them would prove to be in vain. 

Alec wonders how it's supposed to feel.

Love.

But not the kind that disappears when challenges arise, love that lasts, real love, the kind of love that sticks around when nothing else makes sense. It's unfortunate there’s no playbook for this sort of thing. Also, it doesn't help that Alec doesn't exactly have the best examples of love to mirror his relationship after.  

As a child, Alec thought his parents were happy, that they were content in their marriage. He thought they loved each other. Of course, memories are never remembered the way they really happened. In order to protect themselves from the pain, people idealized moments of the past, a tactic Alec was familiar with. Maybe Alec always knew his parents were living a lie. But knowing something and accepting it are two separate things and Alec would never want to end up like his parents, stuck in a relationship that no longer works. He wants his love to be true. He may not know what it is supposed to feel like yet, but something tells him that, eventually, he will, when the time is right.

Even when he was engaged to Lydia and was doing all he could to ignore his true feelings, Alec knew he wanted Magnus. Back then, the idea of being with him was nothing more than an idea, a pipe dream that pained Alec to think about, considering it would never happen. Hoping and wishing and longing for something that could never be a reality sounded a lot like cruel and unusual punishment. But now that Alec has him, now that they are together and what they share is so…real, so tangible, Alec feels he may never get enough of Magnus. He’s making up for lost time, for years wasted.

Before Alec knew he loved Magnus, he knew he was safe with him. 

 

* 

 

Magnus isn’t a stranger to sex.  

He’s lived through wars and more chapters of a history textbook than he could count and though, for a lot of those years, he didn’t share his bed, there are certain needs that are stronger than a man’s willpower. In his lifetime, Magnus has been with both men and women and yet, all of those encounters paled in comparison to what he experienced with Alec. With him, Magnus felt like he was just starting out, like sex was new to him again. As they worked on removing their clothes, lost in each other, moving closer to Magnus’ bed, he felt silly for the nerves that were growing in his belly. His heart pounded as though it might explode inside his chest and he wondered if Alec could hear it. In between each kiss they shared, they laughed and smiled, and Magnus knew he would remember the way Alec looked on this night forever. 

Eventually, morning comes, and Magnus wakes up feeling just as hopeful and optimistic as he did before. Wrapped in Alec’s arms, Magnus had everything he could ever need. The rest of the world felt miles away when they were like this. They talk about their fears and even acknowledge Magnus’ immortality, but the conversation doesn’t burn like it should. Alec offers Magnus his hand, a sign of comfort and understanding. _We’re in this together._ Alec doesn’t say it out loud. Magnus can hear it all the same. Nothing has ever felt like this. Being wanted by Alec feels like his reward for having endured what he has. For the first time in almost a century, Magnus can accept that he is deserving of something and knowing that Alec wants him in the same way, a fact proven by his boldness not even twelve hours before, confirmed what Magnus has always known.

There was no going back.

Even before Magnus knew he loved Alec, that he was in love with him, he already knew that.

 

* 

 

Before Alec knew he loved Magnus, that he was in love with him, he appreciated him. 

In this world, there are few people who would host a party celebrating the son of a woman who has discriminated against him in the past. Luckily, Magnus doesn’t scare easy. Even on her best days, Maryse Lightwood isn’t the most pleasant woman in the world and she hasn’t been shy about her disapproval of her son’s new relationship. Just as soon as Alec thinks of the idea, to have Magnus plan the celebration for Max’s rune ceremony, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it sooner.

 

_I’m sure I’ll love Max, but, Maryse, that woman hates me._

 

_That’s sort of the point of the party, so that she can see that, this, us…_

_It’s not going away._

 

Alec doesn’t plan on being scared away from what makes him happy simply because others say he should, that it would be in his best interest to walk away. There once was a time where even Alec didn’t know what was best for him. Luckily, he’s not that person anymore. Given the choice, Alec would still choose Magnus. Sure, he is a Shadowhunter and Magnus is a Warlock and that’s probably more than enough reason for why this relationship shouldn’t work. They’re from different worlds, different centuries, and no amount of wishing or magic will change that. If the two of them can come to terms what has been designed to keep them apart, the rest of the Shadow World can too. 

Instead of being so interested in who people choose to be with, the Clave should take a second to face themselves in the mirror. Alec has a feeling they won’t like what they see.

* 

 

The morning after Max’s party, Magnus wakes before the sun rises and Alec is still sleeping beside him, looking content and unaware. 

For longer than he intended, Magnus listens to him breathe, even taking to counting each one of Alec's breaths, having already accepted the fact that he won't be getting any more sleep tonight. Not another minute. Magnus feels restless and wired, consumed by guilt and images he would always remember. 

How did he miss it? He should have seen it coming. Magnus felt foolish and naive. He couldn’t believe he’d been so blind.

A man doesn’t just climb on top of a ledge without there being signs.

Less than twelve hours ago, Alec had done just that, nearly falling to the city street below before Magnus intervened. As he stood up there, with the New York cityscape behind him, busy streets below, Alec looked lost. He looked frightened confused. The sight along broke Magnus' heart in his chest. He should have seen this coming. Jocelyn was killed and Alec blamed himself, though there was not a damn thing he could have done to stop the demon responsible. Still, for Alec, the guilt and shame associated with the event was as real as anything and Magnus should have seen it. He could’ve helped him.

Magnus closes his eyes again and Alec is there. He is back on the ledge, his chin meeting his chest as he inches backwards. Clary is doing her part, trying to convince Alec that she doesn’t blame him, but Alec can’t hear her. He doesn’t _want_ to hear her. Alec blames himself enough for them both. 

 _It’s okay, Alec. It’s not your fault._  Clary tries.

 _You are not a killer, Alexander._ Magnus knows that in his bones. _Just come down from there and we can talk about this._

Alec shakes his head and mumbles something, but Magnus can’t decipher his words. He takes a step closer to where Alec is, followed by another. Magnus repeats this pattern until he is nearly close enough to touch him. _Please._ Magnus isn’t opposed to begging. Alec eye’s meet his and Magnus can see that he has started to cry, a few tears running down his cheeks now. Magnus tries to grab Alec’s hand, to provide him a tether though he may feel like all hope is lost, but Magnus can’t move. He is frozen in place. No matter how much Magnus tries to reach him, to bridge the gap between, he can’t and he is running out of time. 

_If anything were to happen to you…_

_Magnus…I’m good. Alright? I gotta…_

_Go?_

 

 _Don’t go, Alec. You have to stay here with me._ Magnus' eyes snap open and his heart is pounding in his chest. It’s like his lungs have forgotten how to do their job. Thankfully, none of it was real and Alec is okay. It was nothing but a dream. Still, it felt as real as anything else that is certain, a definite in a world of doubt.

And in this world, Magnus loves Alec.

Alexander is his definite, his tether in the midst of uncertainty.

It's not surprising to Magnus that this realization of his feelings isn’t jarring. From the moment he first saw Alexander, the archer having just shot an arrow into a man’s chest, Magnus knew their paths would cross again. What can he say? He’s got a thing for men with killer aim and emotional issues to match his own. They could be dysfunctional together. In the history of this world, crazier things have worked, Magnus would know. He's not interested in perfection anyway, the concept being a boring and uninteresting one.  Just like him, Alec has his fears and insecurities and Magnus refuses to let them scare him away.

It was too early in the morning now and Magnus laid beside Alec, content with counting his breaths. It felt normal, like something he could get used to, like something they’d done before. Magnus thought it felt like his future.  

For Magnus, though there had been others, none of them ever compared to what he already feels for Alec. He may be an old Warlock, with more experience than he knows what to do with, but his Shadowhunter makes him feel like a love-sick teenager again. Everything feels new and exciting and refreshing with Alec. They understand each other, in spite of their imperfections and respective affinity for making mistakes. What they have is real and true, unlike anything else Magnus has known. When they are together, nothing that should matter does. Like this, they aren’t a Shadowhunter and a Warlock, two parts of a forbidden romance. Rather, they are just Magnus and Alec, and nothing has ever felt so right.

Even after Magnus knew he loved Alec, that he was in love with him, he wished he could pinpoint the moment his heart knew and was simply waiting for his brain to catch up.  

 

* 

 

It’s only after Valentine’s quest for the Soul Sword destroys much of the Institute, claiming countless lives by the time the day is done, that Alec realizes how foolish he’s been.

Before today, Alec didn’t know what love was supposed to feel like, a thing of the past now. The realization of his true feelings felt like a light switch being turned on. Alec is in love with Magnus and now, he might be dead and Alec will never get to tell him. What kind of joke is that? Alec thinks he might throw up. He can actually feel his stomach churning, nauseated by the thought of Magnus being hurt or…Alec can’t bring himself to consider the other possibility. Alec has to find him. He can’t live without Magnus. It’s not possible that they have already shared their final kiss, their last embrace. They’re supposed to have more time. Magnus is immortal, there has to be more time. As Alec searches the halls, stepping over the bodies of his colleagues, he is amazed by how cruel the world can be. Alec spent most of his life lying to himself, lying to everyone he cares about, scared of what he wanted. But now, Alec isn’t scared to want Magnus. He's scared that wanting him may not be enough to have him. 

 _The world’s been ending for a thousand years. You get used to it._ And Alec had, better than most. But that was before. Before Magnus, before Alec knew he loved him. Alec would never forgive himself if Magnus’ life became a sacrifice in their war against Valentine and never knew how much he meant to him. 

Just as he arrives at the bottom of the steps at the front of the Institute, Alec’s terror mounts. Shocking him, a hand grabs hold of his arm.

 _Magnus._ Alec doesn’t know how he knows, he just does. There is no second guess, no doubt. He's never known that type of relief. Standing in front of him, looking unharmed, Magnus is okay. He's alive.

The magnitude of the moment isn’t lost on Alec. This is his chance. He won’t waste it this time.

 

_Not knowing if you were alive or dead, I was terrified._

_So was I._

_Magnus, I love you._

_I love you, too._

 

It feels like coming home, like an inevitable moment that they were bound to arrive at. 

With anything, there is a before and there is an after. From the very beginning, all roads have been leading Magnus and Alec here.

 


End file.
